5 reasons you need to stop wearing short shorts

The offending pairs (from left): exposed pockets, underbutt, granny briefs, skorts.

It was in the mid-noughties when my dad asked me, “How come girls don’t wear hot pants anymore?” Dad grew up in the late 1960s, and despite being square, he missed the days when young ladies paraded around the UP Diliman campus in minis. “Dati kasi mas common sa mga babae magsuot ng maikli kaysa sa plunging,” he said wistfully. Turns out he didn’t have to wait long until his youth revisited him. Shorts with the fit of the best trousers and jeans flooded the market that year, first in Bermuda lengths and then progressively shorter. By the time the aughts ended, bottoms were being cropped to crotch-tacular heights, and they were often gussied up with blazers, heels, and jewels. Pinays certainly took to the style thanks to the country’s balmy weather, though the fancy pairings were usually left out due to impracticality.

So my Dad’s dream of poised women sitting primly on the balustrades of the AS or Main Lib steps morphed into a sea of denim cutoffs filled with legs akimbo – a sight lurid enough to change his song to, “Are you commuting in THAT?” Clothing stores certainly aren’t done with shorts yet, evolving the long-standing trend this year into silky, printed, gym-cut pairs. But these garments aren’t meant to be perennials even in the tropics. Here are a few signs it’s time to quit the fashion crack that is short shorts:

1. Your pockets are showing. Pockets peeking from the hem should be the first indication of extreme abbreviation – they’re noticeable even before trying on the shorts. Because really, if others can get a glimpse of the hand compartments, guess what else is visible? You can of course get a free pass wearing these on the beach or boardwalk, but on the street, they scream one thing: Makati Avenue streetwalker! Residing just behind Burgos Street behind the red-light district, I can tell you that every woman in this kind of shorts gets ogled by passing DOMs and their loitering drivers. It doesn’t matter if you’re out to buy your morning pan de sal or dropping by the nearest laundromat – be extra careful when wandering such areas, high heels or no.

2. Your rise is more than thrice the length of your inseam. Pardon the jargon, but here’s a quick lesson in clothing measurements. The rise is the distance from the waistband to the crotch, while the inseam is the line from the crotch to the hem. It’s common in shorts for the former to be longer, but when it’s more than three times greater, you’re definitely in granny briefs territory. There’s a reason our lolas kept these under wraps as girdles and bathing suits in the past: they highlight and magnify any bulging puson. Another problem when this style comes in soft fabrics is the phenomenon of a front wedgie. Trust me, nobody wants to see your hem being eaten by your nethers.

3. You can’t pick up anything off the floor. If dropping something makes you nervous, you are the victim of the new scourge of society: the underbutt. It has probably been years since yours made a public appearance, and in your heart you know that now is not the time to start. It is irrelevant that Georgina Wilson has proposed a solution for coloration woes; a product is unlikely to bestow you her confidence unless her face comes with the promise. Also, think of all the public seats you will have to use and all the people who have used it before you. For the sake of mobility and hygiene, check for underbutt before purchasing shorts!

4. You wore them to a business meeting or a cocktail event. I don’t care how progressive you think the world is – “formal shorts” is an oxymoron. Therefore, hot pants, a blazer and heels do not an office outfit make even if it’s 50°C outside. In fact, whether in Ayala, Ortigas or BGC, you can generally segregate the corpo rats from the mall slackers by looking at who’s wearing shorts. Neither does the combination pass muster where evening attire is requested, no matter how much sparkle you add. Honor your boss, coworkers, clients, and host by keeping your legs off the agenda.

5. You make them a skirt substitute. There is a reason why skorts have largely fallen off the face of the earth (outside the tennis court, that is). Despite looking like one, the elegance of a skirt – its drape and the way it makes a woman move with grace and restraint – is lost once you split the garment between the limbs. Next time you want an abbreviated hemline, choose a mini and reacquaint yourself with the refinement required for such a piece. Thankfully, longer pairs seem to be in the pipeline for 2014. Vogue, in particular, foresees that boyfriend dressing will be expressed in the form of board shorts that end at most two inches above the knee. Whether or not this trend comes into fruition in the Philippines, it is always best to be guided by a sense of occasion and propriety when deciding on your level of leg exposure.

Photo: www.nastygal.com

 



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