The week I tried Ashley Madison

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One of the first things I did on Ashley Madison was ask several men on my feed why they were there. Only one replied: “I’m looking to satisfy my craving.”

His username is Rocketman: 34 years old, from Parañaque and married. He didn’t upload a profile photo, so all I could see was a grayscale illustration of Ashley Madison’s logo that reminded me of — eeek — the logo of Victoria Court motel.

I was stumped. “Aren’t you married?”

“Yes, that’s why I’m looking for a discreet affair. Send me your pic.”

Wow. Is this how fast things go around here?

Two weeks ago, dating website Ashley Madison launched in Manila and caused a stir. It’s a platform for married folks to find someone to have an affair with — either with the same or opposite sex.

In a predominantly Catholic country where divorce and contraception are a no-go, we understand the panic. The DOJ even threatened to put it down because adultery remains punishable under the revised penal codeDespite that, around 3,000 Filipinos have already signed up

Of course — such is our dedication to our job — we had to sign up and check out the site.

First impression: Ashley Madison is like a Dirty Old Man left to his old-school devices. It is as sleazy as it is clunky.

If we’re being brutal, it’s also rather jej, but that’s just us not liking the tools it comes with.

The interface feels as modern as those websites from the noughties: Think Friendster, MySpace, Multiply and the rest of them now stuck at an e-morgue somewhere.

It has a tab that allows you to see who’s viewed your profile. It’s a function that, back in the day, would have caused major panic on Friendster. At Ashley Madison, it just seems proper.

Because it’s a 12-year-old website (it started in Canada, of all places), most cute usernames have already taken up, leaving late-blooming Pinoys with alphanumeric choices more fitting for a password than a username. Joanna2014, Joanna14, Joanna061481 were among the usernames the system suggested for my account.  

After registering, you put in several details about yourself. The most crucial of these are “limits” and “status”. 

Limits show other users what you’re willing to do. There are six choices ranging from undecided to whatever excites me to cyber affair to something long term.

Status, meanwhile, will label you attached or single. This is one of the things displayed on a users profile, along with age, eye and hair color. It’s also the first thing you’ll check when browsing  through your feed.

I was amazed to see how many married men are either (1) unhappy or (2) stuck in a dysfunctional marriage or (3) have not gotten over their bachelorhood.

There is also a photo section where you can let all inhibitions go. You can post private pictures of yourself in your birthday suit, or close-up shots of your nether region — dick, clit, or whatever else may break the Internet.

Seven main tabs appear once you log-on to the website: search, manage profile, lists, view profile, viewed me, mailbox, and traveling. Search is equivalent to this generation’s newsfeed. Like Tinder, you get to adjust your preferences — age, distance, time, and who’s online — so you only see people you want to see.

Ashley Madison 2

But this is an old, clunky website. The photo I uploaded didn’t appear until hours later (light years in Internet speak). When I adjusted my preference settings, the changes didn’t reflect until I lost interest. (I adjusted the age range of men I wanna see but it kept going back back to 66+ years old so a load of men who are not my target market have been appearing on my feed.)

In the two weeks that I tried out the site, 49 men viewed my 33-year-old self.

Profile photo: A half-body shot of me, messy hair in a ponytail, eyes guarded by aviator sunglasses, hand holding a mug of beer. I laid down my cards: a single Gemini from Metro Manila looking for a long-term. Ashley Madison also asks its users to write a tagline. Mine was “hey.”

That picture garnered me four winks — Ashley Madison’s equivalent of a Facebook poke.

I exchanged messages with two guys and received one photo message.

Ashley Madison 3

A married guy from Bulacan — fat, chinito and attached — sent me a wink and listed me in his favorites. Unfortunately, I’m no chubby chaser, neither am I a rice queen, and nor am I interested in ruining relationships.  

Dhoy45, a 45-year-old single guy from Manila, sent me a wink and three pictures of himself: a selfie at a party, a silly pa-cute photo of him trying out an adventure sport, and a blurry photo of himself in a raging river wearing bikini-cut jockeys and a black wifebeater. I was not impressed.    

There was a variety of men from Metro Manila and all over the world who viewed my profile.

Hungrynow, an attached guy from Chicago who has “Are you ready?” as his general greeting. No profile picture.

Husks2atym, an attached 38-year-old from Muntinlupa, who asks, “Are you discreet enough?”

A 56-year-old guy Australia who’s undecided about his limits.

A single 60-year-old from Quezon City who’s a few extra pounds heavy.

A 56-year-old single dude from British Columbia with “Sexualfriend” as username.

An attached 38-year-old male from Makati who uses “Yolo” as a greeting. I found it pretty sad.

None of them interested me. Maybe it’s the platform, maybe it’s the context, maybe it’s just me.

I may be in my 30s, but I was recently mistaken for a 25 year old (in real life). During a recent trip to Amsterdam, I was ID’d. I like to travel and meet people and hang out over a few beers. Generally speaking, I like to trip out. Which is how and why I got into online dating sites in the first place.

That said, I’m not a big online dating fan. But, I do find Tinder so entertaining and that’s mostly because of the profile pictures. Tinderellos and Tinderellas put the best photos of themselves on that platform because they want a right swipe. 

At Ashley Madison there’s a lot of hiding, akin to under-the-table deals, leaving an aftertaste that’s none too pleasant.

I would imagine there a thrill — like the guilty rush diabetics get when eating donuts — that comes with every successful hookup facilitated by Ashley Madison.

But it isn’t for me, or other lonely Filipinas looking for The One.

One thing I do like about Ashley Madison is that it automatically signs you out when there’s a long period of inactivity. I left mine open two days ago, and I haven’t logged back in since then.

 

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