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Yesterday, Kris Aquino was feeling a little open so she shared that Herbert Bautista once upon a time asked her to marry him.
 
She wrote in her blog:
 
This is the first time i’ll publicly acknowledge this, because I can now recall with absolutely no bitterness or regrets; on the first Friday of April nearly a year ago during merienda, he said he was tired, he didn’t want to play games, he was tired of chasing and of running away, and he wanted to feel secure with someone he could grow old with.  He said, walang romance, walang lokohan, walang bolahan. Okay na raw ba ko to marry him kasi nga PAGOD na sya?
 
I remember laughing and saying that was probably the least romantic proposal any woman has ever received, but because we were so similar in our weirdness, I was in agreement; I wanted to grow old with him because I knew we’d never be bored conversing, and maybe this was where God led 2 individuals who deserved a chance at life long companionship with maturity, and full acceptance of equally colorful pasts.
 
We went separate ways because he had an appointment with an old professor he had kept close to, and I went to 6 PM Mass and prayed that this was what would be best for us.
 
The next day he had dinner with my family, and I cried during our heart to heart talk after that first attempt at introducing him to my family.  I said I realized he never said he loved me, he was simply tired, and I didn’t want to be his version of Salonpas, Alaxan, Ben Gay, or a massage. He cried too and said he was scared, overwhelmed, afraid of being branded a “user” when he has given the majority of his life to public service, and maybe we should take a step back.
 
We went to Mass together Sunday because we had made a pact that praying together will be our priority, but again we parted immediately after Mass because he had friends to meet up with… I remember going home, alone because my 2 sons were going to have dinner with James and Mic. And I prayed and said, please God strengthen us, cement our bond, and protect our peace. And I remember thinking, sana umabot sya sa point that he would be comfortable enough to let me be more a part of his world.
 
I made the mistake of speaking about him the following night on A&A. The next day, over the phone he broke up with me, right before Bimb’s 7th birthday party.
 
In time we healed, and became friends again. Comfortable to catch up over the phone every few weeks or so.
 
The last time I cried about him was Christmas Eve. I remembered an earlier agreement that we had made, when he asked early in our relationship how we’d deal with the holidays, I said that my non-negotiable was Christmas Eve Mass with my family, but Christmas Day was for him & his siblings & his kids. And I went to sleep with tears quietly streaming down my face, sad that we hadn’t made it.
 
She added that she hibernated February 15 and that she was proud of surviving.
 
Inayawan nya ko, I’d like to think not me the actual person, but the complicated baggage that comes with having a relationship with me.
 
He called 4 times that Sunday, the day after my birthday, and I just didn’t pick up. Bimb saw his name flashing on my phone, and he told me: “Mama, go ahead talk to him because when you talk to him, you get happy. But remember after, you get so sad and I hate seeing you cry.”
 
And BOOM, that was my wake up call, my long avoided wisdom coming from the innocence of my 7 year old.
 
I realized as much as I want us to be friends, we can’t. There were just too many promises that my heart so desperately wanted to believe in. And continuing the friendship will continue to make me long for what wasn’t meant to be.
 
And I want Bimb to see by my example, that his feelings come first. A 7 year old shouldn’t be subjected to being the protector of his mother’s fragile feelings.
 
And maybe this was what this whole experience of trying to love again was meant to teach me, to be HUMBLE that for a man not ready to commit, I WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.
 
Yes in all honesty, I still pray for someone who can be my strength. I still pray for someone to talk to at the end of a long day, someone who will listen, and someone who will also teach me new things, challenging my mind, and mirroring my values. Someone to pray with and pray for. Someone I can trust with all my fears, someone who accepts my past, and still looks forward to our future. And someone who won’t be tired about love, but will accept, nurture, and treasure what we will share.
 
Photo: withlovekrisaqino Instagram account